Depression-ary Explain-ary.

First off let me say that this is something I share tentatively knowing I have what, four, five readers (that may even be a stretch.) I also share with caution because many of my closest friends are still vastly unaware. But alas, I'm still writing.

Secondly I will start off by saying I hate to use the term/word depression without due cause. I believe that unless it is depression you are speaking of, you should not being using the term. For instance, "God that movie was sooo depressing." Ignorance. That movie, I can near promise you, did not put you in a downward spiral towards hell many know as depression.

But, moving on.

Some months ago, let's say it was March of 2007. Oh yes, that is it exactly. (So really some years ago. It just feels like months.) It became abundantly clear to me that I was not happy. Really it was beyond not happy. It was more like ridiculously upset and unhappy, nearly all the time. Though looking back, even at that point, it was obvious this had been going on for some time. I had been talking to a friend through email, and one night, very late, I sent a desperate email that showed with an abundance of evidence I was in need of some help. Which was received quickly. Very quickly.

Now the thing about young, teen, female depression is that it is easier to come than you may think. But it is also easy to miss. Buuut, conversely, and thankfully, it's fairly easy to "fix" in a lot of cases. To put it simply, everyone needs to know that people care, and people love them, and they are not alone. Now, rationally everyone knows that on one level or another. And rationally I knew that as well. Depression isn't rational. Or smart, and it can't make sense of the fact that you have family and friends that love you, and care about you, and all that jazz.

For those of you wondering. This is depression.

It's like a really dark hole or well, that at first you sit at the top of, dangling your legs in, and really it's not that bad, and it doesn't hurt to to much. It's "whatever." But then all of a sudden you're in, really you're almost half way down. And see that's the thing about depression it is one fast acting bitch. Before you know it you are head over heels emerged. And by the time you've figured out that you're almost half way in, it's too late and you are sinking farther. Soon enough, but all too soon, you are at the bottom. Looking up you can see everyone, and sometimes they see you, but really they don't because this dark hole is eating you alive. And you haven't got any way to climb the hell out of there. All you have is you, and you're cold, and tired, and thinking, "Dammit, I'm never going to climb out of here...there has to be another way out." And maybe that "other way" scares the shit out of you, actually I hope that other way scares the shit out of you.

And sometimes you can get out. I got out. And damn, I have loved every minute of it out here. But I won't lie sometimes I still get scared. Because I know, once you have fallen down that hole it's one hundred times easier to fall back down, and one thousand times easier to take that other way out.

Steering back towards my dance with depression. I got out. And it felt quick, and easy, but it wasn't. It was a long road. And it wasn't hard, per say, it was just long. I had to watch myself, monitor myself, and take stock of my life and the people around me. Always keeping in check how good I had/have it. I haven't been happier since. I love knowing that I'm out. That I'm in the clear. There are bad days, everyone has them. My bad days worry me more than they should simply because I'm aware of how damn hard I'll have to fight. But so far, so good.

I don't mean this post to sound desperate or unhappy, or on that road again. Because I'm not, and I think that is why I'm able to write this ridiculously long explanation, because I see myself as in the safe zone. Which I love, so so much.

Also, for all of you thinking, "God, do her parents know about this?!?!" Yeah, yeah thanks to the help of someone who was not asked. Yeah, they know.

But either way, if you've made it this far into this post, thank you. Thank you for taking that time and reading because I cannot even begin to explain how nervous I am to hit "Publish Post."


  1. i love you miss relay.

  2. As a person who's never blogged about their personal life ever, I see now that courage is such a huge thing. It's crazy that you were able to write this and send it to the WWW. I liked reading it a lot.

  3. Hey Rylee,
    I know the feeling. When I wrote Slow Dancing In A Burning Room on I felt exactly the same way. It's hard to let the world know how you feel, and hard to release it into the unknown, but it is freeing at the same time. Take care of yourself, Keep up the writing.


  4. really awsome personAugust 18, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    i love you. plain and simple.
    and this just totally made me feel more connected to you then ever even though it isnt directed at me at all.
    anyway, i hear ya girl, and its always a journey to keep yourself out of that well.
    xo to infinity
    the one who wants to borrow your mary kate and ashlee book