Sober.

I'm not like nearly anyone else in my grade. In the ways that are the best for me now, and probably in the long run. But sometimes they feel like the worst ways possible. Sometimes I regret my morals and values, sometimes I wish I could let it all go. I just can't. I'm not that person that can let it all go because the pictures will be better on Facebook. I'm not the person who is more concerned about having a good story to tell on Monday, or rather, not being able to remember the stories. That just isn't me.

It is always blatantly obvious that it comes as a surprise. To everyone. That I simply am not like that. I don't like to say that I hold myself to a higher standard. Because that isn't fair, and really not true, but I get that a lot. I don't do that. What I do is respect my own wants, and needs, and expectations. That is not to say that trying out "new things" would drastically change what I'd be able to achieve. It probably wouldn't. But I would feel different. I would know that I am different, or really, just like everyone else. And I don't like that. I like being able to hold my head up and say that, "No, I have never ever had alcohol in me and the only smoke I've inhaled is second hand." I like the feeling of being able to honestly say that.

What I don't like is the surprise on peoples faces. What I don't like is the pressure to not say that, to say that, "Oh yeah, I've totally tried that." I don't like feeling like I'm missing something, when truly I'm not missing much. I don't like that it isn't just accepted.

I'm nearly eighteen years old. I'm literally the only senior I know (and I know most of them) that has never done anything. Some days I'm so happy to say that. Other days I feel like throwing caution to the wind and ruining my life for one night and a few stories. Wouldn't ruin my life you say? It would kill my conscience. I'd be racked with guilt and I probably wouldn't do it again. So, no, maybe not my whole life but it would not be something I got over easily.

And I don't hate having morals, and values, and a plan and all that. I just, I hate that I feel like I shouldn't.

2 comments

  1. I couldn't have put it better myself:

    "And I don't hate having morals, and values, and a plan and all that. I just, I hate that I feel like I shouldn't."

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  2. The day I drank is the pivotal moment in my life. I've never felt worse about myself.
    I broke my morals, and for what? Because someone hurt me?
    It's not worth it.
    I take pride in what I haven't done, i.e. anytypeofsmoking.
    But I kick myself every single day for taking that drink.
    Stay strong, kid.
    It's worth it in the end.

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