Walking Away

Seeing as how I will be leaving here, home that is, in a matter of weeks, I have begun to accumulate all of the things I could possibly need for this endeavor.

I now have new bedding. (Along with other things.) Well actually, a new mattress pad (because OHEMGEE ew college beds) a new comforter, a new duvet cover, new sheets and new pillow cases.

I may or may not be enjoying just looking at them in all their new-y goodness.

It's weird though. I mean to think that I will essentially have two places to live. I will have a dorm room and a home room. And all I really want is an apartment room, conveniently located somewhere in Seattle.

I get that it's not happening. I get that I am quite honestly walking away from everything that I want, and walking onto a small campus. I understand that. But on so many levels it is so hard to believe. It hurts to think about.

It's like that time that you finally realized you are never going to marry that A-list pop star. It's just not happening.

That's where I am. Stuck, realizing that everything that I want is falling out of reach.

Now, I get that whole 'it's your dream, you got to work for it' shebang. I know the deal. But I am moving into a stage in my life where working for that is going to hurt, not help. I won't be moving closer to it, I'll pushing it away. Because honestly, without focus in these next few years, I'm screwed.

Which means what? That I let it slide to the back-burner for four more years? Yeah, probably.

And that sucks, a lot. And I hate it.

But I can't keep going on like I'm headed there anytime soon because I'm simply making it worse on myself. And that isn't what I need right now.

No comments