Here We Go (Again)

Are we ready for this?

I don't even know now how many times I've stepped away and come back, but, here we go.

Another point oh, another return, whatever. It's my blog, I make the rules. And the rules now say I can come and go however many times I want.

Ready for a recap?

Let's go.



I went to France.



I left the airport.



I got this really great guy to hang out with me pretty often.



I did plenty of summer stuff.





I hung out with my best girl.



And now, we're here.


Miss Vermont 2019

Former life is no longer weird, and I love that.


It used to be that I felt out of place, and I don't know, wildly unliked. (That part is still true for some folks, but hey, not everyone can be nice and that's okay.) I used to feel like I didn't belong and that anything I would do or say would be the wrong thing.

Honestly, I felt that way even when I gave up my title.

This year, I finally finally finally felt fine.



I mean, there were some weird parts. There was some awkwardness from the people that aren't big fans of mine.

But it was fun. And I decided, "hell with them!" And I just embraced celebrating my sister, despite the weird stuff.

And also, I felt damn good in my dress. That helps.



I know that as time goes on the way I feel about these things will continue to evolve.

But I love this program, this sisterhood, this dream, the power that is behind the Miss Vermont Organization. So, heck yes I want to keep being there. And heck yes, I want to keep supporting these girls.

You know what we always say!

There is not just one Miss Vermont on that stage on competition night!


26 Things I Learned in My 26th Year

1. Teamwork makes the difference, every single time 

2. Literally everyone has something to teach you. Every one. 

3. We can all - all - stand to be more considerate when we travel. 

4. Idolizing marriage, engagement, and weddings is such a huge fucking waste of time and energy. And moving through that was hard and weird as hell, but woooorth ittttt



5. It’s super cool to date after becoming bffs

6. It matters to show up for the people that are there and the people that do care, and they do recognize it. 

7. Act your way into thinking differently 

8. My dog has literally kept me alive 


9. Retail therapy is still not a real thing. 

10. Actual therapy is real, and amazing, and everyone should use it. 

11. Suggesting that people get help, is not that helpful. Reaching out always is. 

12. A drive across the country is hard, and so interesting, and friggen cool

13. Healing is literally addressing pain and trauma. And that hurts so much. And that’s okay. 




14. The finish line doesn’t have an expiration date

15. I definitely do not want to go to medical school.

16. But I could get behind the idea of a post-grad program that would allow me to teach Special Education.

17. People will pick their nose anywhere. Especially in an airport.

18. You have to ask for what you want.



19. You don't need a "reason" for your depressive episode. You don't need to explain your depressive episode.  

20. Cutting and plating brownies is a waste of time. We don't need to do this. Eat them out of the pan. 

21. Wearing sunscreen every day is not just a mild suggestion, friggen do it.

22. Getting a puppy in the midst of being depressed, and changing so much about my life was absolutely the best decision I could have made. And I do actually think everyone needs a pet.



23. Even after hard races, I can still love running. 

24. Food. Is. Food. (Food is nourishment, food is enjoyable, food is not the enemy.) 

25. Honestly, you should just buy yourself the flowers. 

26. You can't retire at 26, but you should be able to. 


It (Still) Is Not Linear

It seems weird that "even now" I have this struggle with my body, with my food, with my will and desire to eat.

Even now, as in, even now so far past my pageant "career." Even now, so long since I have been challenging myself to be in the "best shape of my life." Even now that I have accomplished so many of those big dreams that were, in some ways, about what I looked like.

But, hooo boooy, it is a struggle.


This week, yesterday, this month - sometimes it feels like it is constantly a struggle.

And I know why.

That's the thing I know exactly what is sitting the back of my head on this one. I know that whole "that five to ten extra pounds is where your body is supposed to sit thing." And I know that it all plays together to make the last few weeks real shitty in this body.

I've been tempted - if I am being honest, which I am - to throw my hands up and say, "screw this."

Because you know what?  It does seem easier sometimes to go back to counting macros, to go back to tracking my food, to go back to watching every single "active move calorie" on my watch. Because then there is control, right? Then I'm taking back this train that my body is careening away on, right? Then I'm headed back to where I "want" to be, right?


No. I mean we know that. The answer is no.

But sometimes it does feel that way. (And that's okay. And recognizing it is good.)

Because when you feel squishy, and you aren't liking what is in the mirror, and you're constantly thinking about how the jeans feel, and how many carbs you've already had today - it is hard to look at the whole reality. As it is now. Not as it was then. Not as it could be. Not as we want it to be.

And that's where I am at.

This week eating is hard. This week working out it is hard. This week I tried, despite everything that I wanted to do, and I didn't just throw my hands up.

That is enough.



This Shit is Bananas

I feel so messy inside right now.

Do you ever get that way?


Where you don't know how to solve any of the problems in your life or your brain, or whatever, so you just have this mess of shit teeming around in you that you can't get rid of?

I don't know how to solve a lot of problems, honestly.

And I don't know how to move through this shitstorm of bad news, bad actions, bad laws, bad people, and bad shit that we have going on in this country.


And it hurts so much.

As an empath, as a woman, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, as someone who just believes in human decency it hurts so much.

So here's what I do know....

You can donate to these causes, and it will make a difference in someone's life.

Yellowhammer Fund

Planned Parenthood of Northern New England 

ACLU

Fair Fight Action

Higher Heights for America 

...or just donate to any candidate that has a soul, a plan, and isn't a white cis male. Because we need to fricken fix this shit, stat.



Oui Out Here

I went to France!!!!!!!!


What. The. Hell.

It was wonderful! It was exhausting! I need more time! I'm glad I'm home!

If you get the chance, go.

That's what they always say, right? Right.



But truly, truly, I mean it. Growing up, I was that cynical little shit that "didn't see the appeal" of France. Literally, I have said that.

And that's stupid.



It is wonderful, and I need at least another month of my life to be spent there.

So, here is the low down.

The Brother moved to Bordeaux last summer (fall? Whatever. The end of my trip to Florida, he was headed to France. Talk about a dichotomy of locations.) Anyway, he went to France to attend graduate school for a degree in wine management.



What's that? We still don't know.

And he moves home in about a week, so it was high time we Fields hiked our hineys across the pond to see his insanely tiny apartment and eat so much food.



So that is what we did!

We spent half our time in Bordeaux, eating at Brother's favorite spots, touring around like nerds, and trying to figure out this whole jet-lagged-but-gotta-see-stuff thing. Then we spent the other half of the trip in Paris. Which, no matter what you've heard, or seen online, or on TV, you definitely have only seen about 2% of the magic of that city.



Absolutely far and away the dreamiest trip I've ever been on.

I would go 100 more times.



I don't have too many details about where we ate, or what we did. Because a lot of it was in French, and while I felt.....competent, while we were there, much French is actually tres bad.

A couple things - if you do go to Bordeaux, and you should, really. Take the advice of the locals when it comes to food and wine. Because Bordeaux is no where near as touristy as Paris, many of the folks we encountered were Bordeaux natives, and really really wonderful.



If you go to Paris, it is completely and totally worth it to wake up early and go to the main sites. The Eiffel Tour at 7 AM on a weekday... it is like nothing else. The Luxembourg Gardens at 2 PM on Wednesday, so wonderfully calm and inviting in the middle of the city. Make the time, take the time, it is so worth it.


Also - for Disney people - yes, we went to Disneyland Paris.

And wowie wowie wowie - the level of detail and thought that is in this park is unlike any other Disney property I have been to.




There are a lot of cultural differences that I was not expecting (cast member involvement and responsiveness is so so much less than in WDW for one.) But I do think, if you're there, you should go. (You could feasibly do it all in one day!) 

Finally - there are a couple meals that blew my freaking mind.


Karl.

It was our first meal in Bordeaux after we got off a transcontinental flight (and sprinted through Charles de Gaulle to catch our flight to Bordeaux) but it was unreal. I genuinely ate more in that meal than I ever have before.

Al Karam.

Our favorite dinner in Paris was in a tiny, family-owned, gloriously tucked away Lebanese restaurant.  Insanely flavorful and traditional, with two kind and helpful owners, it was such a perfect experience.



Oh, and last last thing - check out my IG story highlights for some of my other favorite spots, pics, etc.!

Okay, bye, gotta go sleep!

Let's Fly, Let's Fly Away

This is a final boarding call, for me, at the airport.


Ladies and gents, the doors have closed, and we are pulling away from the jet bridge.

I walked out of the airport last night as a manager for the last time. And as quickly as it started, and as whirlwind as the beginning was, it feel mostly the same as it comes to an end.




I had no freakin clue what I was getting into this fall when it came to the airport, when it came to restaurant management, and when it came to being on the floor all. day. long. I still some days think I have no freakin clue about those things.

And if we're being real? (We are.) The beginning of this was hard. It was really, really, hard. It was a little weird, and a little painful, and there was a steep learning curve.


There was a lot of learning, and a lot of growth, that not only I needed to go through - but that our whole team on site needed to go through too. Thank goodness that we did though. 

But!

I know that as hard as it has been, it has actually been the single most valuable job I've had so far. This place has taught me so much about managing like an actual leader, training in a way that actually allows employees to succeed, and also about some weird aviation shit.



And the end? The end has been sweet really, bittersweet.

I am so happy to be going towards a set up that is good for me, good for Pipey, and good for the kind of life that I want outside of work.



But I am sad to leave this team behind. I am sad that I won't spend my days talking to 20 employees, and laughing my butt off, and meeting people from all over.

I'm stinkin proud of how this journey played out, and I'm stinkin proud to have been apart of this crew.