Ignorance Is Not Always Bliss

In August I will have had a headache for two years.

I wish that was a gross exaggeration. I wish.

I wish this was fixed as quickly as it started. I wish there was some sort of medical professional that at least attempted to understand. I wish it wasn't so damn debilitating.

I wish I kept my promise that this would not dictate my life.

I have tried, honest, I have. But it is hard. It is so hard. And so tiring. And all I ever want to do is sit down and cry. But I can't, because I have school, and work, and people all around me that just don't quite get it.

(And I would never fault them for that. Never.)

I just wish I knew what the hell was going on. I mean, really, what is this?

Because that joke, the one that comes right after, "I have had this headache for four days straight." The one about tumors, or cancer? It is not funny. It has never been funny. But after this long it is starting to become scary.

I get it, the likelihood of that is really low. After all, I'd probably have loads more symptoms and yada yada. I understand that. (And in no way do mean to demean the severity and relevance of cancer or tumors or other scary and potentially terminal diseases.) Still, it is scary.

I don't know when I will get an answer. I don't even know if I will ever get an answer.

I don't know.

I don't know what that means for me. This year has been nearly unbearable, because of these headaches. How will I do this for three more years? How will I function when it only gets harder and harder?

How will I learn to live my life like this?

I just do not know anymore. And I am so sick, and so very tired of that.

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