No Real Need To Put A Ring On It

I am single. Notoriously single, really.

Which, combined with the fact that I live in a single here at school and happen to spend a lot of time alone leaves me, well, alone.

Now, I really don't see a lot of problems with this. Yes, we all get lonely and I am no exception. But I think that I have really benefitted from my lack of relationships this past year.

That, and, when it comes down to it, I really am not the same person I was even five months ago. The tail end of 2011 was not easy. It was hard. And it was gruesome, and I really was not a fan. Consequently I find myself looking and feeling almost entirely different. And when I think about what that would mean if I was in any form of a relationship, other than, of course, with my dear friends, I don't think it would be going to well.

After all, I look at who I was this summer, last year, and just three months ago and I see someone different. Wouldn't then someone else see me differently? I like to think so, I like to think the change is noticeable. Of course, I also like think this change is a benefit and not a limitation, be it visible or not. I like to think that maybe this is all a good thing.

So, this is all not to say, "I'm single and I own it." But more so, "I'm single and it may be for the best sometimes." Because in actuality, I don't own. I do have times when I throw myself pity parties and wallow in my solidarity, because I am second-year college student, and I can. I do have times when I would love to not be completely alone. I do wish I wasn't always the girl that gets pegged as 'always single.' (Though I do see how I of course play into it, after all I have started all of this by calling myself notoriously single.)

But, while something may be for the best, it may not feel the best.

I accept that. I accept that I'm not always to be able to fend off my feelings. I accept that as someone who has been fighting The Big D for years now, there will always be times where I just need someone. Someone to just be there, for me, just for me. And as someone who is trying her hardest to quit beating herself up, I'm just going to keep reminding myself that single is what I am, not who I am. That even when no one can be there I am more than capable of keeping myself together, of standing back up and trying again.

I am single. I spend most of my time alone. But I am more capable than I have ever been. I am more confident in who I am. And maybe most importantly, I have found that being alone is not a punishment, it's a chance to become whatever you want.

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