Guilty Graduate

The amount of times that I have found myself on my couch, in my underwear, looking at seemingly endless lists of jobs I cannot do, or am not qualified for, is getting a little ridiculous.

Here's the thing: as it stands I am applying for, and looking for jobs, and I am employed part-time. So I have found myself in a sort of employment limbo.

I knew that I wasn't going to find my dream job right away - I was hopeful, of course. (I mean, c'mon. I compete for crowns and I go to Disney World regularly, how could I not be?) But I was realistic, I knew I was going to need to do some settling, some compromising, and a lot of searching.

And that's where I am. I am right smack where I am supposed to be. I am making money where I can. I am applying to jobs that I am qualified for, and that I do want. I know that I am doing what I can, and what I should be doing here.

However, it doesn't seem to negate the anxiety or the guilt.

Oh, the guilt.

The one thing no one ever told me about post-grad is how damn guilty I would feel. All. The. Time.

I sleep in? Feel guilty.
Spend the day afternoon reading and sitting in the sun? Feel guilty.
Eat Cheetos for breakfast? Mega guilt.

But! It's not like looking at those long lists of job postings really helps. Feeling endlessly under (or even over,) qualified is equally defeating.

I know everyone says that something will come along, that I just need to keep doing what I am doing. I know that this compromising and settling is nothing like what I felt when I was in school, so I know I'm not locking myself into anything as horrible. But this is hard. This doesn't leave you feeling successful almost ever (at least when I was a filing temp I could set and meet daily goals - sheesh.)

When it came to graduating I spent the last two months of school anxious because I didn't know what the summer would bring, at all. And now that I am here...well I just didn't think it would involve so much free time, and so much guilt.

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