I do a mean Part of Your World shower rendition. I always make sure all of the leftover pizza is gone. I'm the first to dramatically worry over things that are maybe too small to be worried about. And I can be counted on to leave my clothes inside out in the laundry basket.
I'm also very good at convincing myself that I am not enough.
This is not a new thing - for basically anybody. I think it really doesn't matter if we are talking about being enough for our dream job, or our dream spouse, or our majors, or our friends, or our God, or our plants. It doesn't matter. There is going to come a time where it washes over you and lands on your heart like a ton of bricks that Oh my God, I'm not smart/fun/pretty/talented/hard-working/faithful/diligent enough for this.
Experience tells me, we are probably wrong.
Not that we would easily know it and identify it though, huh?
The thing about not being enough, is that often times - now bear with me here, I'm only working with about 23 years of experience but, - it is as much of a decision to be enough, as it is to be not enough. Just as well as I can convince myself that I am never going to be good enough for something, I ought to be able to convince myself I am good enough for something. Like, say, singing in the shower.
Because, think about this, when you are pretty sure you're never going to find love, and no one wants to be with you, and you'll never be enough...that is a feeling. I mean, one that is burning through your heart and your tissues and your ability to maintain your diet, but a feeling. Right?
Right. Well that is where I've drifted a lot lately. I have felt very much not enough, well, for anybody.
Wait, did you catch that?
I have felt not enough.
With my commute every day I get roughly 80 minutes of quality overthinking time. Now, a lot of that time, particularly in the last few weeks has been spent thinking about why I am not feeling good enough. I go in circles. Why am I so stuck on this idea that oh, I'll never be able to get the job that I want? Oh, I'll never find someone who wants to be with me. Oh, I'll never be fit enough. Oh, I'll never be a mermaid.
I get stuck on figuring why I am feel so not enough.
But beyond that, I'm hitting a point where I am asking, how the hell I am going to get through this?
Because, I could lay on a couch with my feet up and pay a couple hundred dollars to find out why - but more important to me, more important to the rest of my life is going to be figuring out how to get through it.
And this is what I've come up with: You just stop believing it.
You stop telling yourself you are not experienced enough for that dream job. You stop telling yourself you are not talented enough to win a state title. You stop telling yourself that you are not enough to find that big reach-for-the-stars, over-the-moon, World Series kind of love.
You just stop. Because it's not helping anything. It's not making you any more capable. It's not making you any better. It only serves to make you...upset.
It's not easy. I am not there yet.
I'm doing pretty good on the whole not being enough for my plants business. Maybe because they are succulents. Maybe because I decided, it doesn't matter if I am, or if I am not.
The whole thing about not being good enough for some big wild true love? Yeah, not there yet.
It is work, it is hard work. It is a constant awareness of how you speak to yourself, and how you love yourself, and how you value who you are and what you are capable of.
And even though those are really big things - things that I am sure as hell not able to master in 80 minutes a day - even being aware of them, that helps. It lets you ease up on you.
I'm going to feel as though I am not enough many times in my life. Sometimes, many times a day. But giving myself the ability to get through it, to let it go and keeping working as hard and as honestly on myself as I can - that is enough.
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