Because I still have days that make my heart feel like it'll never recover, and I still struggle with missing people that don't deserve my time. And if you're lucky enough to get snaps of my overly emotional reactions to Grey's Anatomy, or you simply follow me on Instagram and saw that Friday night The Asshole walked into the gym when I was mid lunge - well, you might have seen this one coming.
I'm honest about the fact that my heart is a little too mushy, it's a little hopeful, a little too optimistic.
None of those things are bad. No matter how many times I'm ghosted, or disappointed, or hurt, or whatever - I'm not going to attempt to lose those parts of me. I am mushy, hopeful, optimistic, and I care a lot. Those are good things.
Those things will sometimes make it difficult.
They sometimes mean that I get angry when a jerk walks in to the gym, even if I shouldn't care at all. Bonus: did extra sets for the rest of my workout because apparently my anger made me think I was Superwoman, and my trainer was all about channeling that, and I was all about not faltering like I had last time he creepily hung around me while I was there.
Those parts of me sometimes mean that I have one big Saturday of reflection - even if it starts with a dramatic and delayed reaction to sleep deprivation, excessive medical drama intake, and nostalgic reminiscing of things that don't matter.
Saturday was hard, but it was good for me.
Let's back up just a bit. Remember that two weeks ago I was on vacation, and I was in my zone. Beach. Ocean. Sun. It was all good things, all day long. I had a lot of time while I was stretched out by the pool to think about ditching the parts of life that make for hard Saturdays, and make it hard to have that mushy hopeful heart. Unsurprisingly, I made some promises to myself.
You know the kind. Move on, do better. Love anyways. Gratitude over desire. Be intentional. Have hope. Ask for wisdom. Trust in the process.
Those promises were made for hard Saturdays. They were made for the moments when it feels like I should have never been a little too hopeful, or optimistic, or mushy. Those promises were made to redirect my heart when one sighting of one ex, leaves me feeling like oh crap.
While I told myself right there, mid lunge, not to let him get the best of me, and I was conscious of the fact that he did not deserve my energy or my time - I'm actually thankful that I got to focus my brain, and redirect my heart to those promises I made for me.
That's the kicker right? No matter why you made them - whether you didn't get the job, or you didn't get the guy, or you did biff the diet - you made them for you. To make you better, and tougher, and more capable. So when you need to remember to trust in the plan, and be intentional with your effort, and love regardless of the situation, it is never going to be about what happened before. It's only about what is right in front of you, and putting the effort and the focus in right there.
Even if his roommate is staring too hard while you finish the lunges.
Focus on making that the strongest dang lunge you got.
Even if your life is painfully different today than what you envisioned two years ago.
Focus on curating each day to be better than the last.
Even if you feel your heart aching to be with someone, and you are alone.
Focus on giving love anyways, and being thankful.
If you're like me, it may take years to work your heart into a place where you are grateful to take a Saturday for painful reflection. It may take every single day for you to let go of the ache that comes with any kind of loss. It may take day every day to focus on doing things that make you embrace your mushy hopeful heart.
But look, I'm saying it's worth it. I'm saying it's going to hurt, but it's worth it. Make the promises to yourself that count, it's worth it.
And maybe you're nothing like me. Maybe your heart is pessimistic, or scared, or nervous. And you need to make different promises. Maybe your past is still sending you into a tailspin at the gym.
I hear you, I've been there.
And I gotta tell you, even if you can't make it to Hawaii to reset - you ought to still give yourself a chance to keep your heart on track. At the very least, it could make your trips to the gym way easier.
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