Proverbs 19:21

Patience might be a virtue, but dang if it isn't a rough one to learn.

I've been working really hard on being patient. Having a patient heart, a patient mind, going with the plan. You know, you've heard it before. I'm plenty good at convincing myself to just wait it out a little longer, just keep working for it, just keep waiting for it. What I'm not good at, is actually waiting.

How the heck do people do this?

How do they just accept that some things are never coming their way? How do you go about your grocery shopping, your laundry, and your work day, not thinking about the things you are patiently waiting for without wanting them so intensely? 

I mean, I know I'm doing this wrong. Right, this isn't how this works?

I think I'm supposed to just release these massive wants, needs, dreams, and hopes out in to the world. And if it's part of the plan, and it's supposed to happen, it will. If I am meant to be that kind of happy, it will happen. But damn. How do you let that all go and just hope for the best, when you want it so fiercely?

I don't know. I don't understand how to move past what I think I need to be happy, to be in a place of constant acceptance of what I have, and what will come.

Because I am so happy with what I have. You guys, I am actually hashtag blessed. I am actually so stoked that this is the life I get to live. I am actually just constantly in awe of how all the things that have brought me pain have also turned and brought me so much joy.

But my acceptance of what is right here, right in front of my face is not constant. The constant is the pull I feel my heart towards what if. What if I was just happy doing that job? What if I was just happy living there? What if I was just happy with that person?

I know it goes back to dreaming up my own big bad plans for my life. I know those are the things I need to let go of for the patience to take a real hold on my heart. But how, honestly, how? Like if you know, text me. Or comment anonymously or something because I'm so lost.

I am so stuck between, what if it just worked out this way, and let it go, girl.

I do think this is part of the process. I do. I think that this is how we learn to be patient. To also learn to be at peace, to accept what comes and what goes. I think that when we start to understand that waiting is part of what makes the plan work, we are one step closer to accepting that for ourselves. And maybe my struggle isn't at all unique. Maybe you all are sitting at your desks thinking, what a looney tunes, of course that's the struggle of being patient. Duh.

If you are, honestly congrats, because you reached that realization a heck of a lot faster than I did and it's probably made your waiting a lot easier. If not, guys, how are we going to do this?

Well, I don't have a very solid answer. But this my best guess: we just keep recognizing it. You know, every time we just can't stop what if-ing, and wanting - we recognize it. And if you want to know the truth, when that happens I just stop and think of something that I do have, and I do love. 

It doesn't always abate that desire, it doesn't always wipe that want away. But it helps. It brings perspective. It makes waiting a little easier, because you're waiting while surrounded by really good things.

The reality is you may never get the guy, the dream job, the big house on the beach, that movie you've been writing for yourself for 24 years might never debut. I think though, if we just keeping learning to love the one we're in now, it'll all play out just fine. 

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