Wait For It

Let's switch gears real quick. Not that you aren't loving this pageanty saturation though, right? 

So, a fun thing happens when you get 52 girls together, somehow you all so easily end up talking about your love lives. Still hate that term. The girls that are in mushy, adorable, totally-gonna-get-married, true-love-does-exist kind of relationships tell you all about how much they love their guy. The girls that are doing that "fun" dating thing tell you all their best stories. The girls that just dumped a dude that so deserved it tell you why.

That environment, while hilarious and awesome, is just basically asking to be the catalyst that makes you reevaluate whatever relationship situation you might be in.

Should I be dating again?
Probably, but dating is like 68% awful.

Should I just wait and see what happens in 8 months from now?
Maybe, but then you could miss something really great.

But what if I don't wait for this magical job to be over, and then...
...And then you ruin everything because dating can be chaotically awful?

Yes. That. 

The reality is I have no idea what I'm doing. Clearly. And maybe even though it is the hardest, and lamest thing to do, I just have to constantly wait and see. 

Right? Isn't that what we all keep coming back to? You just have to wait and see. Because you can get on tinder and swipe right until your thumb falls off, but that doesn't mean you'll find someone you're supposed to be with. And you could go to a different bar seven nights a week, but that doesn't mean that you'll find someone that really values how bizarre and amazing you are. And heck, let's tack on the idea of meeting someone randomly, or at work, or in the gym. Because you could force awkward small talk on 45 guys a day, and that still doesn't mean you'll find someone who also thinks that pizza should be eaten at every meal.

And, let's just cap it off right here and say... as many times as I have done any of those things - I won't say all those things, because the idea that I would talk to someone at the gym is laughable to literally everyone in the world. Anyways. As many times as I have tried any of those things - so far - they have all resulted in a guy that, in the end, just is so wrong.

Yes, I know, I know - but it's so hard to tell! It is. Usually. Sometimes. I don't know, who are we kidding I wear Asshole Blinders basically every day. But here's what I do know: if you're keeping your heart open enough to try to find someone that you genuinely want to be with, and you want all that mushy adorable stuff with, and you want to find someone that'll be the person you'll date forever...well, it comes down to finding someone who is sure of you, doesn't it?

Because it really is that easy, if you aren't certain about me, I'm certain this isn't going to work.

I know what I've got to offer. I know it is good, and valuable, and usually really fun. If you don't see that - or worse - if you do and you still can't be sure about me, I can't be with you. I can't be in that relationship with you, romantic, or otherwise.

I spent plenty of years being uncertain about me. I was unsure if I was pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, funny enough, cool enough, happy enough. I have been there. I don't need you to take me there again. And if you're still there, I get it. And in fairness, I guess you can be uncertain about you and still be certain of me, but I have yet to see it happen. If you're still there - we can't do this.

Because it boils down to something so easy: I deserve more than that. I deserve someone who knows they want to be with me. I deserve someone who doesn't just know it, but acts like it. I deserve someone who treats me with respect, and holds me to a higher standard than someone you can text at midnight. I know that about myself, I'm certain.

And to find that...to find even someone with 80% of that, I still think you just need to wait and see. I still think that when you put yourself out there on a search for the greatest love ever, you're setting yourself up for failure. Because, yes, as someone who admittedly has often, and aggressively, worn blinders, if you're constantly looking for something specific, you are often willing to let too much go in the name of finding that.

I won't lie and say that hearing a handful of girls, who are madly in love, talk about their guys with hearts in their eyes didn't make me envious. Of course it did. But it also gives so much perspective. It will set you up to see how happy you can be, how happy you deserve to be. It gives you a little hope that the right circumstances do exist. It reinforces every pep talk you've given yourself to not text him back, or to walk away, or to value what you are bringing to this party.

And if you're lucky, it fills your wait and see tank. It gives you that push to say, yeah, not settling is still working really well for me. Even if that means you're still finishing large pizzas by yourself.

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