On Living and Trying to Love It

Here's the thing about regrets, they make everything else, all the bright and shiny, gold and glittery awesome that is in my life seem dull, greying, and not-as-awesome.

Certainly it's not true. I have plenty of bright and shiny, gold and glittery awesome in my life.

Right now, I also seem to have plenty of regret.

I've begun to find that while regret is good and plenty, (and who said we can't have regrets? I'm going with it means I am learning,) glittery gold awesome must continue to shine through.

In this last month, while on break and thoroughly removed school, I have been doing my very best to look past the greying dull of regret to the shiny awesome. And to the surprise of absolutely no one, it is not easy. It's not. It is so much simpler to sit down on the couch and just concede that life is sucky, and bad days are bad, and sometimes nothing is going to go right, and yeah, we all have regrets.  That, that is easy.

It's not easy to stand up and say, "No." It's not easy to disagree with the friends of The Big D (anxiety, worry, and oh yes, regret.) It's not always easy to get out of bed, or to look in the mirror and declare a day gold and glittery. It's a struggle, but I think, God, I hope it is a struggle that is worth it.

I am trying to see the gold, the glitter, the sequins, and the sparkle because I know they are there. I know I have a damn good life, chock full of awesome. I also know that it is possible just to lose sight of that... for me, that is not always good, and there is not always an easy fix.

So, I am trying to learn to love this life, regrets and all. And it's not hard, not really. But when the regrets are at the surface of things so often, as they are lately, it's... harder. It's more of a struggle.

But that is why I have loads of clothes covered in sequins. And perfume that makes me feel awesome. And good food in my kitchen. And good books on my shelves. 'Cause of all of that, that is the makings of a life that is chock full of awesome.