Psalm 27:14

I was going to write about waiting on that dream job, and what it means to be actively pursuing your big dreams, and all of that. Then Friday happened, and I got really mad at God and I thought, honestly, what a jerk, why bother bringing really good things into my life if You're only going to take them away a month later?

I realized that is what I need to talk about. (Don't worry, we'll get to dream jobs.)

Here's the thing, I've said before that I really prefer to have things go my way. Don't we all?

I know they can't, and won't, always play out the way that I want them to. But when something big and wonderful happens in your life, or someone pretty stellar comes into your life, or you just feel like things are finally swinging in your favor, it is so much harder to stomach losing them.

And I get pissed sometimes.

I mean, mad. I cried, and I was accusatory, and just so damn angry that it seemed like every good and wonderful thing that had made it's way into my life in the last three months was just poof gone. Just like that. All at once, in one fell swoop.

And that was so unfair. And how could He? And why should I bother? And why would You do that?

Fast forward through going to bed at 8 pm, a long morning of watching TV, a good breakfast, a big cup of coffee, working small wedding, a quiet Sunday, and well, what do we have here? Perspective.

Look, I get it. Sometimes you have to let go of things to get something better. Sometimes people and things only happen to be in your life to teach you something. Sometimes despite everything that you want, you are better without them.

But that is hard. That makes trusting in the plan hard. And, dammit, sometimes it pisses me off.

Perspective though, that always leaves me feeling like okay, slow down, take a deep breath. It takes a day or two, but it always leaves me feeling lighter, calmer, and a little like I was being slightly ridiculous. Never like I was being slightly dramatic, because that's just not me. Obviously. 

Perspective reminds me why I have faith in the first place. Perspective leaves a calm on my heart where all the pain was. Perspective gives me the room I need to refocus, to take a good look at where things really are.

It reminds me that recognizing all that great big joy and love in the lives of other people doesn't mean I won't get there. It reminds me that watching other people succeed and accomplish those big dreams, doesn't mean that I won't do that too. It reminds me that the good things came into my life at all. It reminds me that even if there is pain, even if I am pissed, even if He isn't following the plan that I had, there is more ahead than what lies behind.

I don't know that it is ever going to get easier to make it through these kinds of losses. The kind that you have no control over, and it feels like it's just been ripped away from you, and for good measure, check out Instagram look at all those successful and totally in love people.

I do know that each time this happens, I'm relying more and more on the faith that this is part of plan. This pain serves a purpose. This change will prove to be worth it. Each time I fail, each time I'm rejected, each time I feel like I'm back to square one - no matter how mad I get at Him and His plan, I fall back on that faith. That confidence that there is purpose in my life, even when I feel completely blind to it, that takes time. But it makes all the difference.

I know no matter how many times it feels like all is lost, all it takes is a little perspective and a lot of patience to see the goodness in what comes next.

And I know I am super thankful that there is grace to carry me through some of my more unsavory moments of anger and righteousness before all that good stuff kicks in.

No comments