Not a Back-Up Plan or Second Choice

Remember that quote you couldn't get away from in 2014? We accept the love we think we deserve. When they finally made the book into a movie and everyone was majorly into the tortured high school souls, and essentially the quote was everywhere?

Well, not going to lie to you guys, I hate that quote. Really, I just hate that it is so desperately over-used. Because this is not something we ought to be associating our lives with. This is not something that we should say, oh yes, that's me. This is not ideal.

Here's the thing, I've been thinking a lot about what I deserve ever since The Meathead, but particularly in the last two weeks or so. And I'll give it to all the tortured literary souls, it is hard to determine what we truly deserve when it comes to love, and who loves us, and what we are willing to accept in those relationships.

Over the last, oh, two years, I have learned that I know a lot of what I won't accept. There will always be things, people, actions, that we have to say no to. We will find what leaves us feeling loved, and what leaves us feeling lost.

Maybe that is what is more important - that through these years I've actually developed better understanding of what I do accept. More even than what I am expecting is what I deserve.

I am loyal to a fault, I deserve more than just the idea of your loyalty.

I will trust you implicitly, I deserve to have no reason not to trust you. 

I am a supporter of all the big amazing things you want to do, I deserve to have someone support me. 

I will always be willing to hear you out, I deserve to be listened to too. 

Look, these are simple right? Loyalty, trust, support, care. But somewhere along the line, they can fall to the wayside. These needs can so simply become second tier. The excuses are easy to find, and easy to make. It is so much easier to dismiss what we don't deserve as it's fine, it's no big deal, I'm just being sensitive.

It isn't fine, it might be a big deal, and so what if you are being sensitive - you deserve more than a Meathead, an Asshole, and a Heartbreaker.

That's the crux. Right there.

We deserve more than what we leave behind. 

It took me a long time to see that one this clearly. I'm a rationalizer. I'm the first one to say, well he was deployed for so long, well he really hated his life there, well his last relationship ended so poorly. I am so beyond good at giving the benefit of the doubt, the way out, the big ol' stamp of 'I totally understand and approve.'

You know what that is not good for? My heart. My self-esteem. My idea of what I actually deserve out of a relationship. Heck, let's even say that it very quickly helps me distort what I'm willing to qualify as a relationship, but, different problem, different day. Being the girl that always lets him off the hook, wasn't helping me any. It wasn't leaving me better than I was the day before. And it sure as hell wasn't making the end of these non-relationships any easier.

Why?

Well, it's obvious right?

Because the rationalizing, undervaluing, little voice in my head just assumed it was me. I just assumed I was not enough, some how - emotionally, physically, I don't know about mentally, but sure. I am quick to always make the assumption that it's me, not them. And it really boils down to this, that I underestimated what I deserved, and it lead me right into rationalizing what I got. 

Turns out though, there's no easy fix for this one. Turns out, you just have to keep reminding yourself about what you do deserve. You just have to keep remembering that as much as you may want to feel like if I was more like this, or if I had done more of that, or whatever tiny detail that you think would have changed everything - it wouldn't have.

Right? Being more into football wasn't going to change how he treated you around his friends. Living in the same town wasn't going to abate the fear he had about being stuck in one place forever. Convincing him you didn't need to be called his girlfriend wasn't going to change the ex that begged for marriage. 

But. None of that negates what you deserved all along. 

That's what counts. That love that you deserve, it remains constant. The people, the situations, the timing, everything else will change. But you're still going to be someone who deserves loyalty, honesty, happiness, respect - you and me both.

So say it with me now, we deserve more than what we leave behind.