I'm thinking not only that it has changed, but that it is always changing. See, some days are so much easier because I am single. Some days are so much harder. Some of my biggest goals and dreams in life are furthered because I have more time, energy, and motivation, because I'm single. Sometimes I feel like I am at an absolute stalemate without someone by my side to motivate or encourage me.
That's probably eliciting a couple eye-rolls as well, because I am so Team You Do You With No Boo. But the reality is there are times when we need someone, and it is okay to say that some days it is harder to be motivated when you're the only one on your team.
So there are a couple things at play here...ha couple...anyways, being single is both completely a choice, and completely not up to you. Or me. Right? I mean, we can all find someone for right now. Whether that's because we want to get drinks and dinner, we want someone to chat with, or we're just...lonely. And in that sense, let's agree that being single is a choice.
In every other big-universe-cosmic-life-plan way, it's not up to us.
I say this, assuming you fall under at least one category of true love/soul mates/destiny/God's plan/there is someone for everyone. And if you're not, that's cool but try sitting down with some of the great RomComs of all time and then get back to me. C'mon. This is a universally accepted notion, we will not all live and die alone. There is enough love on this planet for all of us to find something awesome.
Now, going even further, there's a difference between being single by choice, being single by "fate," and finding that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff.
While I don't expect that world series kind of stuff to just be dropped at my feet any day now, I do think it's worth noting that it might be the hardest part of this ever-changing game of singles. It's the fluidity of being alone that makes the constant of waiting for that big love so much more tangible. Does that make sense? The more my single-ness ebbs and flows, the more I feel the weight of waiting.
I think that is why I've hit a new version of this is hard. It's not that I have an issue with being single. I don't. It remains true that I have just as much power to hop on Tinder and "remedy" this, as the next girl. This is hard because I have no say in this waiting game. I can't just manifest someone to motivate me, encourage me, support me, or just sit and eat pizza with me. I think this is hard because there is no making someone care about you.
How crazy simple, right?
You can match with 1019 guys who say, Hey, what's up? But you can't force through a period of waiting for what is meant for you. Even if you think you deserve to be happy with someone. Even if you think your heart is ready. Even if you feel like you two would work so well.
So, you stay single. Because, I don't know about you, but I'd rather binge on House of Cards by myself than just be with a placeholder. And that's the catch. You can always be with someone. There are enough lonely souls in this world that you can always find someone to pass this waiting time with. But you have to decide if that's worth your time.
Is it worth my time to be with someone who doesn't have goals as big as mine? Or someone who doesn't like any of the things I do? Or someone who treats me like a placeholder? No. That's easy, no.
There are plenty of people that would say yes. You people are either stronger than I am, or lonelier than I am.
But who is to say I won't hit that point, or at least get close to it? If this single-ness thing is always changing, and some days or weeks are harder than others, I guess I could change my mind.
I hope not. I hope I keep remembering that it's worth it to find someone who actually cares. I hope I keep realizing that as hard as it can be, I can motivate, or encourage myself. And if I forget, I'm guessing it would only take about five or six swipes right to remember why playing the game is actually just a huge waste of my time.
I'm better off just being a team of one, big dreams and all, right?
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