But. I don't know if you guys do this, and maybe it's just because I spend about 80 minutes alone in the car every day. I do some of my best thinking in there, when I'm not doing some of my best singing. During all those big long bouts of thinking, and singing, and thinking some more, I decided that I'm really good at something I ought to be really bad at.
You know, we've talked about giving a lot, and wearing your heart on your sleeve, being vulnerable, and so on. In a lot of ways that means that I give without expecting much, or anything, in return. It means, I'm going to put myself out there, I'm going to lay it all on the table for you. Whether you accept that, or you accept me, for what that is and who I am - that part is up to you.
It turns out that also means I am putting myself in a position to accept things from others. That is what I am bad at. I will accept whatever it is you are giving, almost every time. I will give you 13.1 miles and accept your inch in return.
That's not good. Continuously accepting the bare minimum from people; I shouldn't be good at that.
Okay.
It's not all bad either.
But when they only give you enough to keep you afloat, to give you that little breath of hope - that is not okay. When they give you the bare minimum all they are doing is giving you enough hope to make you keep trusting them, believing them, waiting for them, and loving them.
When you do that to someone, someone like me, you are asking me to take just an inch of you, when I'm willing to do cartwheels through that half marathon for you.
Yes, okay, that might say more about me than it does about others. But that's the point. I shouldn't allow this for myself. Why should I accept the bare minimum from people?
Don't I deserve to be around people who are going to give just as fully as I am?
Don't we all deserve to expect that the people we love, trust, believe in, and wait for are the same people that would bring us coffee during a long day at work, make us cookies at midnight, and take care to say hey I saw this and thought of you?
Those are the people we need.
I'm not saying don't give your all to everyone. I'm not saying you shouldn't share your passions, and let people see your confetti heart. I don't expect to change that part of who I am.
I'm saying don't accept dead dandelions when you're doling out orchids.
This isn't something that is coming easy to me - to me, the girl who made this decision while singing in the car, like 48 hours ago bonafide life guru over here. But I think it's important to recognize. I think we need to start looking at our tribe, the people we're giving our whole hearts too. I think we need to know what they're giving us.
And maybe you can't give me your all. That's okay. I don't need it. What I need is more than a text every six months, or a snapchat when your "lonely," or a drunk voicemail, or a pity invite. I need more than your bare minimum.
Yes, it is absolutely up to me to recognize what I need, and who I need it from, and who is not giving enough, and who I might be giving too much to.
This will take conscious, patient effort. This will take separating feeling lonely, and feeling passed over, from being genuinely discounted and undervalued. This takes understanding what you're worthy of, and what your value really is. This means knowing what you bring to the party. There is going be a very constant, live, evaluation of what I am giving others, and if what I'm getting is enough.
This will be hard.
Because maybe I'm not always giving enough. Maybe I'm not always weighing your inch, or half marathon, fairly. And maybe, I'm just too blind to walk away from people that only know how to give the bare minimum.
That's okay too. All of it. For now, as long as I'm thinking about it, as long as I am being more aware of it than I was all of a few days ago, I'm doing better. That's enough to get started.
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