Psalm 138:3

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately - obviously, because I'm busy, and human - things though, that I need to say on here. And I know I've already acknowledged that this space is becoming a little Miss Vermont heavy, and well, it remains true that is just going to be the nature of the beast for a while. I'm so lucky to have this job, and to have this be such a huge part of my life. However, that means it's also big part of what drives my heart when it comes to this blogging thing.

So, if you'll bear with me a little longer, as I start to find my pace with all of these new parts of my life, I'll try to start getting back to all of those other parts of my life too.

Rolling back a bit though... all those things I've been thinking about lately. The biggest one is really sort of simple. Remember how I've talked about a dozen (or maybe a hundred) times about trusting in the plan for your life? Right. Well, that was hard for me for a while. I got scared. I got nervous and anxious. I was so scared that His plan for my life was going to be so wildly different from my plan.

I was scared that He didn't see how truly prepared, and determined I was for this new job. I was terrified that the little pieces of doubt I felt were magnified in His eyes, and that would be enough to have this dream play out differently than it did.

And yeah, we can talk about the idea that no matter what you pray for, or what your plan is, that He already knows what's coming. But when you're where I was, and you feel that sinking disparity of please God, I know I can do this, I know I am ready, and as much as I pray that I am able to have the strength and the courage to follow Your plan, I want this dream to go my way - that distorts your confidence in the notion that it's all laid out for me by Him. 

The point is I went in to the months before the pageant praying big, and praying hard. I was certain that His plan would be right for me when all was said and done. But I also knew I didn't yet have the strength to handle the outcome I didn't want.

I prayed for courage.

I prayed for confidence.

I prayed for more strength.

But most of all I prayed that I would be able to be at peace with His plan, whichever outcome it was.

And I'm not only so happy, but so thankful, that the peace I garnered in my heart in the week leading up to the competition was enough to give me everything I needed in those two days. I needed something larger than my own courage, confidence, and strength. And once I felt it sitting in my heart I knew that I was prepared.

What did this leave me with?

Honestly, the ability to look beyond myself, and my own nerves. As I went through the month of May I knew with complete certainty that I was bringing my best self to meet the judges. That notion of readiness finally transferred into something outward. Instead of asking for Him to give me more confidence, courage, and strength I asked that He give all of that to my fellow Miss Vermont sisters. I asked that He bring them to this place too, that they might feel as completely at peace as I did.

Not just because they are family too. Not because I didn't think they were already there. Not because I felt somehow that they needed my prayers.

But because I understood that it might not be me. On that Friday night, that last name called might not have been mine. I finally was able to grasp the idea that if He didn't think I was the woman for the job, that that meant she was going to be standing on that stage next to me. And I knew whoever that was, that she too would want to have heart filled with courage, confidence, and strength.

Look, this part of my life could have been debilitatingly scary. The fact that this was my last year of eligibility, that I put my full heart into every part of my preparation, that I finally felt like my wardrobe represented who I am as a person - that was all on the line.

And the fact that even with that all on the line He may not have had this in His plan for me...well that could have been enough to keep me from even stepping on that stage.

But it wasn't.

I'm so thankful it wasn't.

I'm so thankful that I was willing to look past the fear that this may not be in the plan.

I'm so thankful that I was able to put my heart on the line, and send up every single worry in a prayer to end up where I am right now.

I'm not saying every moment was easy. It still isn't. I still need Him every day in this job. I still need plenty of peace in my heart that I am capable of doing this - and doing it well. But I know I wouldn't be here now, if I hadn't had let myself get here in before I even woke up that Thursday morning.

"Our prayers my be awkward. 
Our attempts may be feeble.
 But since the power of prayer is in the 
One who hears it and not in the 
one who says it, 
our prayers do make a difference."
 - Max Lucado

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