Just, Thanks

I'm not super good at asking for help.

By which I mean, I'm always willing to struggle while I stubbornly attempt to do things myself. And if help is offered I usually deflect/sarcastically reject/or act like I've got it covered.

However, I've never done this before. This Miss Vermont thing.

I've never been stretched this thin. I haven't ever been this busy, this constantly. I haven't ever worked this little, and needed so much. I have never done this before.

And that means I need help.

I need people who help me decide the most appropriate dress to wear. I need people to buy my groceries. I need people to help me schedule events. I need people to help me prepare for Miss America. I need people to help me pack, shop, learn, drive, workout, cook, pay for things, travel, work, and live.

I need help, all the time. And that has been so hard.

It has been so hard for me to ask for that help. Maybe even harder for me to accept that help when people are freely giving it.

It's not that I don't want help. I so do. It is just that I also know how quickly all those things pile up. I know how easily that becomes way too much. I know that those things are expensive, tiring, and they take time and effort. I know that living this crazy life was my choice. 

Maybe that's the biggest part - I chose this for myself. I never asked that anyone else fit this in their life. It brings me heaps of guilt to put all that work, effort, cost, and exhaustion, potentially on someone else.

But I need the help.

That's been the newest challenge. I say new, but it's been two months. Accepting help. Asking for help. Knowing when people genuinely want to help, and don't want you to feel bad about accepting their pure generosity.

I'm hoping I get through this weird place of not wanting to trouble people with my life pretty soon.

Because the help? It is lifesaving.

I so mean that. If you have bought me food, driven with me, given me clothes, responded to my texts, gone anywhere with me, hugged me, or otherwise done something that was truly for my benefit - thank you. From the deepest, sappiest, most sincere place in my heart, thank you.

If though, I've said: no thank you, I got it, don't worry about it, it's fine, or any variation of me attempting to make your helping me easier on you, I'm sorry. I'm working on it.

By no means am I some martyr, who thinks she can do this all on her own. I'm not. I'm so not. I'm just not used to this new part of my life - of this needing so much. And well, it kicks your anxiety in to high gear. The help helps. Every time I accept more help, and every time I ask for more help, I hope that it gets a little easier to do it again.

Because y'all are making such a difference in my life.

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