But You Ain't Seen It Shine

I used to have this really crippling fear that my life was never going to look the way I wanted it to, and that I'd always have these big dreams that weren't coming true.

Slowly I started to prove myself right. Around the time I graduated high school was the first time I really panicked that everything was very quickly, and very obviously not going as planned. I clearly remember driving home one night, just before I left for college, and thinking, Oh my gosh. I'm never going to be happy like that. That is never going to happen  for me. 

It was crippling. It was so damning to hear myself realize that some things were never going to happen for me and that was just going to be how it was. End of story.

This continued, here and there through my time in college. And finally my senior year, you might remember, I had some pretty literal come-to-Jesus discussions with myself. Well, it finally occurred to me that if things weren't going to happen for me, and I wasn't going to fall in love with so and so, and I wasn't going to instantly move somewhere, or get a certain dream job - that I was going to be just fine.

See it took oh, let's go with five whole years, of periodic sheer panic at the changes in my life for me to realize that those were the best changes that I could have never predicted. That no matter how set on it I had been, no matter how sure I was, no matter desperate I was, that these little things would prove to be true - I was wrong. 

Falling in love with my childhood crush? I would have never even recognized the accomplishments I have under my belt today.

Taking that internship in Orlando? I would have regretted leaving so many important things behind, in an effort to chase something that might have damaged me.

Not taking a year to live quietly in Montpelier after school? I would have been dead broke and wildly unhappy.

And here I am today, repeatedly stunned at the turns my life has taken. I'm constantly surprising myself when I say things like: I live in Burlington. I'm Miss Vermont. I'm a wedding planner. I ran a half marathon. I've been to Miss America. I'm happy with this weird chaotic version of a life I imagined.

So, recently, as I have been catching myself saying, Uh oh, this isn't going like I thought it was supposed to, I've been forced to remind myself...well, that is the plan.

In the last few months especially it has been important for me to recognize that, every time I feel even a centimeter of panic about the changes and the shifts in my life. Down the road, maybe a day, maybe a month, or three years, when I realize I am downright blessed by the sheer magnitude that shift, I always look back at those single moments of panic and think, see? See, it takes only a second of life feeling so royally effed up to generate a freakin colossal onslaught of happiness.

That patience though, to wait for the colossal onslaught of happiness? Well, we know how I do with patience. And we also know I'm quite good at taking a centimeter of panic and letting it turn in to a mile of misery. So it's been...a lesson, recently. It has been a bit of a test, you know, to see if I can keep from making myself crazy as I wait for the little problems, the big annoyances, and the scary things that weigh on my heart, to pass into something great.

The cool thing is, I can see it now. It's not as downright terrifying as it used to be. It used to feel like everything was passing me by. It used to feel like every amazing thing that came my way, was promptly ripped right out of my hands.

Now, I can't say that changes aren't ever scary. I definitely still sometimes feel like I was meant for things that I don't get. And yes, things have exited my life when I was so not ready. But now, at least know, it serves a purpose.

I know if I can wait it out, the good stuff comes.

And you guys, I know I've been quiet, and I know things have clearly been a little harder lately...but the good stuff? It's real. As hard as these few...weeks, have been. As rough as some things are...the good stuff is so real.