I hope you feel it coming. Maybe a day or two before. I hope your heart starts to grieve this loss before it runs through you like a Mac truck. I hope you feel the separation beginning. I hope you get the edge of sadness seeping into your heart just a little early.
I don't really hope that you'll spend a full sleepless night sobbing, thinking this is the end, he is leaving. I don't really hope that, because that one hurts like a bitch. But if we're being honest, as exhausting, and horrible, and painful as that night is, it will be nice to get it out of the way.
I hope you get a day to mourn before it really happens.
To sit with the idea of why.
I hope it's on your heart too, this understanding of why.
I hope when it finally comes down to it, he sits with you on your bed. And he holds your hand. And you both say I'm so sorry. I hope he lets you cry. I hope he lets you cry on him. Even though you might start to ugly cry. Even though you told him you'd try not to.
I hope you wear waterproof mascara, because that helps. Really.
I hope you get to tell him how much you love him, and that you understand. I hope you tell him what you were going to get him for Christmas, so he can treat himself to it anyways.
I hope you get to remind him that as much as this hurts, all you ever really wanted was for him to be happy.
I hope you get to tell him you are going to miss your best friend.
I hope he sits there, and holds you, and together you let this thing go in the best way you can.
Because when you go to bed a few hours later, and you've had to leave a light on, because suddenly your room isn't the same without his pillow that's been there since Christmas. And you're certain you can actually feel the pieces breaking in you. And you can't stop crying because for the first time in almost a year you don't get to say, Night. That's when all of that, all of that will have made a difference.
And it's still going to hurt like a mother.
But I hope, he gives you that. That ending that is as painless as possible.
//
So, what do you say, right? I don't know.
He was wonderful. The whole thing, it was wonderful.
It hurts, every where. It aches.
It hurts when I don't expect it.
When someone becomes ingrained in your every day life you have to learn how to live simple parts of your day without them.
I feel like there are big holes in my life right now.
Huge gaping holes that I want to fill with, how was work? what do you want to do for dinner tonight? and I finally made it to Camel's Hump.
And I'll say this, because this is jumbled, and I'm just remembering. But he doesn't read this. He doesn't look at Instagram. He won't see his own post-mortem so to speak. Which I think helps? I don't know anymore.
That's another thing. I walk the line between I want him to know, and I want to know - and also, I don't want him to know, and I don't want to know.
Does that make sense? You want to be blind to their life now, and yet you can't imagine not keeping each other updated.
//
And I have to say one more thing, and then I think I'm done.
I hope if you have to lose someone you love very much, it is for the right reasons.
I hope it is because you know, you need to let him go. I mean really, go.
He had to go. He needed lots of wide open spaces. He needed to be alone on a road the morning after a snow storm. He needed to feel beholden to no one. He needed adventure. He needed black coffee in the woods by himself.
And God help him if he doesn't get off his butt and go get that adventure. For as much as he gave me, I couldn't give him that...I had to step away for that one.
So, you know. As stupid and fucking cliche as it is, if you love them, let them go, right?
Ew. No.
We're not ending this like that.
Let's say this: I'm working on...you know, recovering.
Like we could pretend that I'm making it to the other side of this mountain in a week, but I'm not. It was nearly a year of my life. Through some of the hardest parts of my life. That's not gonna heal in a week. So, I'm working on it.
And your support can be shown with brownies and general commiserating if you'd like.
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