It (Still) Is Not Linear

It seems weird that "even now" I have this struggle with my body, with my food, with my will and desire to eat.

Even now, as in, even now so far past my pageant "career." Even now, so long since I have been challenging myself to be in the "best shape of my life." Even now that I have accomplished so many of those big dreams that were, in some ways, about what I looked like.

But, hooo boooy, it is a struggle.

This week, yesterday, this month - sometimes it feels like it is constantly a struggle.

And I know why.

That's the thing I know exactly what is sitting the back of my head on this one. I know that whole "that five to ten extra pounds is where your body is supposed to sit thing." And I know that it all plays together to make the last few weeks real shitty in this body.

I've been tempted - if I am being honest, which I am - to throw my hands up and say, "screw this."

Because you know what?  It does seem easier sometimes to go back to counting macros, to go back to tracking my food, to go back to watching every single "active move calorie" on my watch. Because then there is control, right? Then I'm taking back this train that my body is careening away on, right? Then I'm headed back to where I "want" to be, right?

No. I mean we know that. The answer is no.

But sometimes it does feel that way. (And that's okay. And recognizing it is good.)

Because when you feel squishy, and you aren't liking what is in the mirror, and you're constantly thinking about how the jeans feel, and how many carbs you've already had today - it is hard to look at the whole reality. As it is now. Not as it was then. Not as it could be. Not as we want it to be.

And that's where I am at.

This week eating is hard. This week working out it is hard. This week I tried, despite everything that I wanted to do, and I didn't just throw my hands up.

That is enough.

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