Going Back

I am going back to school this Saturday. Unlike a lot of last (school) year, I am dreading it. Last semester was harder than I had hoped it would be. It was tiring, draining, and not really what I expected at all.

I guess part of me was hoping that with all of the good that came with last year, would come a better this year. I think I was hoping that the goodness would just carry over. And with it would come some ease, and maybe a bit less anxiety. 

I was wrong, really wrong. This year has been filled with anxiety, frustration, exhaustion, and yeah some of The Big D. And I know that a lot of my anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion comes from the fear of falling back into the loop I was in during my first year. I see that. But it is a hell of a lot harder to correct than I want it to be.

So...

So I am going back this semester. Because I don't have a choice. Because I don't have anywhere else to go. And I am terrified. And anxious. And just so exhausted already. 

And I was certain this wasn't what they said college would be like. I was certain that they said I would learn to love it. And things would change. And it would be great. I was certain they all said that once I got there it really would be (at a least almost) all it is cracked up to be.

And you know what? It's not.

And...

And that doesn't change anything. I go back, on Saturday. Until May. And I am praying, and hoping, and crossing my fingers, and wishing on clocks, that this will be my last semester there. 

But... 

But, who knows?