Psalm 27:14

I was going to write about waiting on that dream job, and what it means to be actively pursuing your big dreams, and all of that. Then Friday happened, and I got really mad at God and I thought, honestly, what a jerk, why bother bringing really good things into my life if You're only going to take them away a month later?

I realized that is what I need to talk about. (Don't worry, we'll get to dream jobs.)

Here's the thing, I've said before that I really prefer to have things go my way. Don't we all?

I know they can't, and won't, always play out the way that I want them to. But when something big and wonderful happens in your life, or someone pretty stellar comes into your life, or you just feel like things are finally swinging in your favor, it is so much harder to stomach losing them.

And I get pissed sometimes.

I mean, mad. I cried, and I was accusatory, and just so damn angry that it seemed like every good and wonderful thing that had made it's way into my life in the last three months was just poof gone. Just like that. All at once, in one fell swoop.

And that was so unfair. And how could He? And why should I bother? And why would You do that?

Fast forward through going to bed at 8 pm, a long morning of watching TV, a good breakfast, a big cup of coffee, working small wedding, a quiet Sunday, and well, what do we have here? Perspective.

Look, I get it. Sometimes you have to let go of things to get something better. Sometimes people and things only happen to be in your life to teach you something. Sometimes despite everything that you want, you are better without them.

But that is hard. That makes trusting in the plan hard. And, dammit, sometimes it pisses me off.

Perspective though, that always leaves me feeling like okay, slow down, take a deep breath. It takes a day or two, but it always leaves me feeling lighter, calmer, and a little like I was being slightly ridiculous. Never like I was being slightly dramatic, because that's just not me. Obviously. 

Perspective reminds me why I have faith in the first place. Perspective leaves a calm on my heart where all the pain was. Perspective gives me the room I need to refocus, to take a good look at where things really are.

It reminds me that recognizing all that great big joy and love in the lives of other people doesn't mean I won't get there. It reminds me that watching other people succeed and accomplish those big dreams, doesn't mean that I won't do that too. It reminds me that the good things came into my life at all. It reminds me that even if there is pain, even if I am pissed, even if He isn't following the plan that I had, there is more ahead than what lies behind.

I don't know that it is ever going to get easier to make it through these kinds of losses. The kind that you have no control over, and it feels like it's just been ripped away from you, and for good measure, check out Instagram look at all those successful and totally in love people.

I do know that each time this happens, I'm relying more and more on the faith that this is part of plan. This pain serves a purpose. This change will prove to be worth it. Each time I fail, each time I'm rejected, each time I feel like I'm back to square one - no matter how mad I get at Him and His plan, I fall back on that faith. That confidence that there is purpose in my life, even when I feel completely blind to it, that takes time. But it makes all the difference.

I know no matter how many times it feels like all is lost, all it takes is a little perspective and a lot of patience to see the goodness in what comes next.

And I know I am super thankful that there is grace to carry me through some of my more unsavory moments of anger and righteousness before all that good stuff kicks in.

Just a Little Lost

Sometimes when you are in-between a happy place and a very unhappy place, you get a little lost.

I've been a little lost. It's been a little bit like floating around waiting for something really wonderful or really horrible to happen.

Like maybe Nick Jonas is going to waltz in to my life and propose?

But also maybe I'll get side-swiped on the interstate today?

The thing about being lost like this is it's very constant. It's very heavy. It very much leaves you wanting to invest in blankets, and a lot of coffee. It leaves you thinking you'd like to crack open a tub of Ben & Jerry's and not look back, but then you remember you don't have an appetite. It leaves you craving people, and then you remember you just want to be quietly alone. It's very weird to be lost.

The other thing about being lost, it's important to get through it. It's important to give yourself the room to invest in coffee, and wear the same sweatshirt for three days.

So, if you're a little lost this week too, or maybe you just want to come back this when your lost, I have some suggestions:

Drive extra far to get the extra delicious bagel.

Buy yourself some face masks, don't save them just for the sake of saving them.

Clean your bedding. Then get back in bed. Clean sheets are good for the soul.

Leave room for a good nap, a no-guilt good nap.

Get some raspberries, or strawberries, or fruit that maybe is just too pricey in the winter. Eat it all.

Find that awesome song on iTunes, play it really loud, leave it on repeat.

Maybe most importantly, just give yourself some time. I've been this kind of lost before. I'll be this kind of lost again. You just have to keep waiting, you know, for the good thing or the bad thing to happen. It will happen, and you'll make it through that too.

In the meantime, drink your coffee, embrace the quiet, and just keep getting up every morning and doing life. Slowly you will heal, you will find your way. Slowly the weight of being alone, or being not quite enough, it will lessen. Slowly, you won't be so lost.

Juice Juice Baby

You know that thing where December is basically a carb-cookie-and-all-delicious-things free for all?

Then you wake up and it's January, and you're like crap where did this bloat come from?

And then you have flashbacks of cheese dip, and brownies, and a week of eating leftover stuffing?

That is why we have juice cleanses. Seriously. It's not because they taste better than pizza - or really, any solid food. Because they don't. It's because of holidays, and all of the tasty things that somehow became tradition even though they have nothing to do with Jesus, or pilgrims, or the changing calendar.

I had been toying with the idea of purchasing a cleanse for a while now. I signed up for the BluePrint mailing list a while back, and mostly I was just waiting for the right coupon code. And then, one beautiful January morning, there it was, 30% off.

So I did it. I ordered the three-day Renovation Cleanse and set my calendar for a week later. (You can pick your delivery/cleanse date. Which is awesome if you're like me and had weirdly specific plans that revolved around eating a week before. Or, if you're kinder than me, and want to wait to cleanse on a long weekend and spare your co-workers.)

First of all, your 3 day cleanse comes with 18 bottles, (6 a day.) It comes in a 15 pound box, in a cooler bag, surrounded by no less than a dozen ice packs. The Renovation Cleanse is perfect if you already eat your fruits and veggies, you don't really buy chips, and you are ready to reset. (If those aren't you, there is a cleanse that includes a "coffee" option, and is suggested if the idea of juicing spooks you a bit.)

Second of all, there's a bit of prep involved. Easing yourself off dense carbs, animal proteins, dairy, and any refined sugar you are consuming. This is detailed in a totally enjoyable email that doesn't make you feel psychotic for willingly ditching solid foods for three days.

Then, you cleanse.

Obviously it's not easy. It's also not impossible. In fact, considering that I have some perspective now, and I can eat cheese again, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I never felt like I was so hungry that I wouldn't live - the juices are super filling. The only thing that I would have changed is having coffee on the first day (you can add your #6 Cashew Milk to make your black coffee tolerable, which I didn't know and totally should've done.)

The biggest side effects? Burping. Whatever, you're sucking in a lot of air, and you burp. Oh, and you pee honestly every 15 minutes.

The best part? I dropped all of my holiday weight. I went back to feeling so energized, and healthy and capable. It was absolutely a full-body reset. And I would 100% do it again.

I also have to say, the juices were so frickin good. Now, as a lover of solid foods, and all of the things on the pre/post cleanse "no list," I was skeptical of the flavor. I kind of thought I would have to choke them down. Not at all. They were smooth, flavorful, they didn't have an aftertaste - so delicious. I have to say, if you are considering a cleanse at all, you need to look in to BluePrint.

As much as I tortured myself during the three days looking at those damn Tasty videos on Facebook. And googling best sandwiches in Burlington. I really enjoyed it, and the end result was more convincing than anything. I mean, I don't look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy anymore, and that's a plus.

And you have to ease yourself back on to solid foods, dense foods, animal proteins etc. So, onestly, there's almost no way that you can come off of a cleanse and go back to shoveling ice cream down your gullet. I mean you could I guess, but you would totally puke.

Ghost-Busting

It really isn't a secret that I struggled through parts of 2015. I think sharing some of those struggles on here was good for me, maybe good for others, and certainly good for the people with which I have tendency to vent.

I have been thinking though - you know, with the end of the year blah blah blah - what was the biggest struggle? And weirdly enough, up until two weeks ago, I didn't have a name for it. I kid you not, I had no idea this term even existed. Then I heard it once (and then like 56 more times, you know how that works? How weird it is when that happens?) and I knew.

Ghosted.

I was ghosted hard, not once, but twice in 2015. Once, by The Asshole. Once, by The Meathead.

Let's back up a little though - I met The Meathead at the end of 2014, just as I was careening through the uh, emotional party-bus, that was The Heartbreaker. So, this era-appropriate casual "relationship" was at the very least, consistent through the 7-9 months between 2014 to early summer of this year.

During this time, I met The Asshole. And there is plenty to be said about pausing a "mutually beneficial, physically rewarding relationship" to actually attempt to date someone. And we could even entertain the idea of what it actually means to date someone who is scared of girlfriends.

But!

What we're getting to here is the common "relationship" theme of 2015: the damn ghosts.

First of all, do you know what ghosting is? It is when all is well and good - things may be casual, but consistent, whether you are dating, FWB, or somewhere in-between - and POOF he disappears. Like a ghost. One day he's there, the next it's like you never swiped right. Especially if he happens to be the kind of weenie that unmatches you in an effort to solidify his ghostly nature.

The worst the part of ghosting should be pretty obvious. For one, you end up being all what in the hell did I do? For two, it's just plain rude. Honestly, break up with me. Tell me you want to see other people. Tell me you're not ready to commit. Hell, tell me you want to strike up a different "mutually beneficial, physically rewarding relationship."

But you know what is shady and rude as all get out? Ghosting.

Here's what happens when you get ghosted though: after you question yourself a lot, after you really commit to not sending that one more text or one more snapchat, after you say a big ol' good riddance! You get to form a much better idea of yourself, and who you want to be with.

I didn't like being ghosted, obviously. It didn't strike up a lot of confidence in who I am. It doesn't make you feel good that you devoted time, energy, loyalty, and just you to someone else, and they can't give you a half ounce of human decency.

It is because I was ghosted though, that I know even when someone walks away from me, unexpected and unexplained, I'm going to be just fine. I know I deserve way better than those kind of guys. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I know that in the truest sense, it was them, not me. I know that anyone who can't be honest enough with you to tell you that they are done, isn't worth worrying about. At all.

Honestly, who wants to be with someone that literally can't manage to do anything better than slink away silently?

They aren't easy lessons to learn. It absolutely was a struggle for me to get through those notions in 2015. And I'm not even close to delusional enough to think that it won't ever happen again. It probably will.

There are a lot of cowards out there. Some of them are gonna ditch you, and when they do, you're going to have embrace the idea that you are so much better off without them as early as possible. Otherwise, it hurts. And you'll doubt yourself. And if there is a single thing I've learned through this whole bizarre non-relationship business it is this: you've got to keep going, so might as well keep being better, stronger, smarter, kinder, and open to whatever comes next.

Repeat After Me: I Can Do This

Raise your hand if you made some goal/resolution/mental note to be better about going to the gym, eating less sugar, and/or not having to be rolled out of 2016 like Violet from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory!

You too?

I started mine in August of 2015 (full disclosure: I did commit to kicking my own butt 6 or 7 days a week, and say sayonara to a lot of delicious things, but I did it with some rather vain intentions. I wasn't in love with how I looked, and I wanted to look better for...not just myself.) This was before deciding to compete in Miss Vermont. This was two months after joining Pure Barre. And this was almost three months into a very long summer. But you know what? I did it.

I go the gym at least five days a week. Do I aim for seven? Heck yes I do. But I leave room for migraines, and weddings, and for argument's sake, a social life. I prep my lunches and dinners. I don't buy fancy coffee during the work week. I have maybe two drinks a week.

So, I'm all for big healthy/work hard/commit yourself resolutions. I know they can work. But I also know you have to want to work for them. They aren't kidding when they say you need to build these habits just like you need to break the habit of running to Starbucks every Friday, and getting drinks every Saturday, and getting take-out on Thursdays, and not going to the gym because it's Monday.

You are just as capable of going to the gym every Monday, as you are of skipping the gym every Monday.

If you want it, and you are willing to take the time and work for it - I don't want to get too preachy here - but shit y'all, it changes everything. If you are willing to change your worst habits to work yourself into someone stronger, someone healthier, someone happier - you can actually do just about anything.

And, there is a super high chance that no one will roll your-big-blueberry-self out of this year.

I know it's not always easy. I've post-pageant binged. I've been convinced that I was too fat to even be at the gym. I've been in that place where it is so much easier to embrace the grilled cheese and the Netflix binge. I've said, oh I was good this week, I can eat that. But really, don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog. 

I get all of that.

But that voice that rationalizes half of a large pizza, and taking a month or six off from the gym, is usually the same voice that is telling you that you don't look good enough, or you shouldn't wear that, or you should feel guilty for eating that.

And that's some bullshit.

What I am saying is, if you're even thinking about it - if you are even entertaining the idea of trying to tackle a fitness/health/kick-your-own-butt kind of goal - I'm saying it's doable. I'm saying don't let a February slump mean that you give up for the rest of the year. I'm saying take the time for it, make a plan for it, and stop putting it off.

I committed to myself in August, and I can't say enough good things about how critical it is to encourage yourself, and to devote your time, and your genuine effort, into your own well-being. This is learned behavior. You learn to appreciate the body you're working on. You learn to accept what you see in the mirror, instead of diminish or demean it. You learn that what you eat, and what you do, isn't about anyone else - it's about you, and only you, and how it serves you, and allows you become the person you want to be.

There is going to be 100,000 posts, articles, infographics, tweets, vlogs, and what-have-yous on this topic all month. I get that. And I think if you want to read them all, you should. But more importantly, figure out what you want for yourself. And where you what you want to see in yourself in six weeks, four months, or a year. And dammit, work for it.

Tell someone about your goals. Get someone to hold you accountable to your own actions.

Plan your meals. Schedule your workouts. Break out the running leggings. Print some workouts from Pinterest. Bring your best friend to the gym. Watch The Biggest Loser. Buy a new swimsuit. Whatever it is that you aren't doing right now that you know is going to motivate you, go do it.

Go be better. Go work harder. Go get. it.